Black SplatThe Tonight Show (1962-92)
   

"May a weird holy man..."

The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson - Carnac the Magnificent

Description: On the late night talk show THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JOHNNY CARSON/NBC/1962-92, Johnny Carson, the host of the program created a bumbling telepath-in-a-turban called ‘Carnac The Magnificent’ (first seen in 1964) who could divine answers to questions sealed in envelopes.

If the audience booed one of Carnac’s responses, he'd fight back with insults like:

  • May a weird Holy man use a Black & Decker tool on your only sister
  • May a love-starved fruit fly molest your sister's nectarines
  • May a nearsighted sand flea suck syrup off your short stack
  • May a camel with a weak kidney condition find your Hope Chest
  • May a desert weirdo lower his figs into your mother's soup
  • May the Shah of Iran seek refuge under your sister's skirt
  • May a diseased yak squat in your hot tub
  • May you get your first French kiss from a diseased camel
  • May your prize bull hate cows
  • May a crazy Holy man set fire to your nose hair
  • May your Perrier water be secretly bottled in Tijuana
  • May your only daughter take up with a yak of another faith
  • May a crazed lizard unravel your underwear
  • May a desert nomad do a desert no-no to your sister
  • May the winds of the Sahara blow a scorpion up your sister’s caftan
  • May a diseased Holy man soil your shelf paper
  • May your platform shoes fail you in a camel pasture
  • May a weird Holy man with a rash play with your face
  • May a queasy camel freshen up your mother's evening bath
  • May a sick yak leave a gift in your sock drawer
  • May Orca the whale relieve himself on your carpet

A typical skit opens with announcer Ed McMahon, saying:

“I have in my hand an envelope, a child of four can plainly see these envelopes are hermetically sealed. They’ve been kept since noon today in a mayonnaise jar on Funk & Wagnalls’ porch. No one—but one!—knows the contents. In his mystical and borderline way; Carnac will now ascertain the answers having never heard the questions.”

The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson - Ed McMahon and Carnac the Magnificent

Carnac then places a white envelope to his turban to sense the answer to the question within. When the announcer says, “I hold in my hand...the last envelope,” the audience cheers, as if to say, “Thank God this skit is almost over.”


Answer: The Moonies.
Question: Name the religion that drops its pants?
   
Answer: Sis Boom Baa!
Question: Describe the sound you hear when a sheep blows up?
   
Answer: A pair of Jordache jeans and a bread box.
Question: Name two places where you stuff your buns?
   
Answer: Fondue.
Question: What do you get on your Fon if you leave it out all night?

In addition to the Carnac routine, Johnny Carson occasionally read excerpts from books or magazine articles. as an introduction to a comedy skit. When Carson finishes reading this information, his sidekick Ed McMahon shoutea, “EVERYTHING you wanted to know about...is in that book (or article). Johnny Carson exclaims, “You are Wrong!” and interjected an insult. The following are examples of the insulting put-downs Carson called McMahon during these skits.

  • "You are wrong Ozone Killer Breath!"
  • "You are wrong Derelict Denture Breath!"
  • "You are wrong Rabbit Test Breath!"
  • "You are wrong Barracuda Breath!"
  • "You are wrong Mail-Fraud Breath!"
  • "You are wrong Manifold Breath!"
  • "You are wrong Disinfectant Breath!"
  • "You are wrong Rancid Chittlin Breath!"

In addition, Johnny Carson often kidded Ed McMahon (aka "Mr Budweiser") about his alleged drinking lifestyle, once referring to him as "Sea Lush" during a pirate sketch.


 
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